Operation Golden Flow

By Mark Lovelace

With “Urinal Etiquette” advice from 2dayBlog.com

urinal 2014-02-12_1450In the course of my Navy career, 22 years plus, I was “lucky” enough to serve in several less-than-glamorous capacities. The worst was my tour as a urinalysis coordinator. Yes, I was the lucky guy who got to watch Sailors pee in the cup. It wasn’t any fun, but it was my duty so I did it as well as I could.

We would have a “targeted” or “random tests;” I would collect the samples, do the administrative work, and ship the stuff off to the lab. All of this was tough enough in port, but at sea it was even more difficult. At sea there were difficulties caused by shift work, emergency drills, and by the fact that the flat bottomed tub moved around quite a bit when she was underway.

urinal et 1 2014-02-12_1459One day we had a test, and one of the individuals who was to be tested rushed down to the test area in a huff. “Chief” said he, “I’ve gotta provide a sample, but I’ve been assigned to a working party and was told to get down here, pee in the cup and get back to work in 5 minutes or less!”

“Are you ready to go?” I asked.

“Yes” said he. “Ready, willing and sloshing when I walk!”

“Let’s go said I,” and off we went to the head (that’s the bathroom for the lubbers reading this story). Seaman So & So, so positioned himself so that I could watch the flow of urine from the

–ummm…source, into the cup. When Sailor So & So had deposited the required amount of urine into the cup, instead of securing the lid immediately, which is advisable, he placed the open cup on top of the urinal flushing valve, and continued to relieve himself into the urinal.

urinal et 2 2014-02-12_1500“You need to put that lid on, Shipmate,” said I. He just rolled back his eyes and continued the golden flow. When finished, he tucked himself in and then reached for the still open cup sitting on top of the urinal.

Just then the old flat bottomed, sow of a ship decided to do a little dance, and the cup went airborne just short of his urgently reaching hand. The moment froze in time, kind of like that winning kick in a ballgame.

We all know that what goes up, must come down –and it did– drenching Sailor So & So with his own effluent, and causing his to fail this very simple, pee test. The Navy was gracious enough to give him a retake.

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